please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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