I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
