come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
