the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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