This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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