this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
