OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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