I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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