Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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