How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
