Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
