If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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