My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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