Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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