So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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