I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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