i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
