I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
