thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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