awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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