I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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