I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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