is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
