woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
