you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
