dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
