Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
