wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Im part way to drunk.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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