someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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