i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
