Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
