I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
