White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
