Ambien. No doubt about it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sext me about skeletons
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