I hate all girls vehemently.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
