I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
