o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
