I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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