Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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