It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
