I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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