I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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