1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
