Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
