So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
