I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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