she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
