I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
