God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
