Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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