My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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